The following is inspired by a night out with coworkers in which all these stories came out and lead to several questions.
ACT 1: The Tourist
The year is 2013 and I am on a trip to Mexico with friends. It has been a great trip so far filled with sun, belly laughs, lots of drinks and driving random jeeps in sketchy neighborhoods. This particular night we are finishing up at the buffet and I’m deciding if I need dessert. I decided I probably do but first need to stop by the bathroom. I finish in the bathroom, sit down at my table then decided to take a last gander at the buffet. I decide I’m full and walk back towards my friends. I hear a voice saying “Senora” several times. At first it is softly but becomes very loud and urgent. This is followed by a tap on my shoulder. An older woman is sitting at a table with who I assume is her husband and they are both looking at me very seriously
Woman: Your skirt is in your panties
I feel my face turn hot and quickly yank it out in one swift tug. I don’t remember ever doing this as a child, how is the first and only time I do this when I am 30 years old?!
ACT 2: The Date
The year is now 2015. I am on my first date with the second guy I have met on Tinder since separating from my husband. It is late April and a gorgeous night to eat and drink outside next to the beautiful harbor in Baltimore.
I hadn’t expected much from this date as we briefly spoke on Tinder and the first guy I had met had turned out to be kind of a jerk. To my surprise the date is going well and my date is very quirky but funny and we have a lot of the same interests. We are debating a third drink when I need to use the restroom. I tell him to decide on third drink and go inside the restaurant to use the little girls’ room. I walk clear across the bar use the dingy bathroom then come back outside and sit on the metal chair. My date tells me he’d rather get coffee and walk around the harbor. I agree so we pay and leave.
We are walking towards the pier when suddenly a woman runs up behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders. She is uncomfortably close to me and I can smell beer and cigarettes on her breath as she whispers in my ear.
Drunk woman: I’m going to stand right here while you pull your skirt out of your underwear
My face once again goes hot as I sneak my hand behind me, expecting to pull a corner of my mid-thigh skirt out of my thong. Instead I pull, keep pulling, and pulling AND pulling (imagine a shade which has wound clear to the top). My date is looking at me puzzled until I am finally out of the woods and thank the woman.
ACT 3: The Facial
It is December of 2017 and I am racing to a facial appointment. I have only ever had one other facial and that was several years ago. I made this appointment because someone had given it to me as a gift.
Per usual in my life I have packed in too much into this day. I ran in the morning and I’m going to a Christmas cookie decorating party at my friend’s right after the facial. I love Christmas so I’m wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and these very comfortable but ridiculous Christmas leggings. I am driving to the appointment and will make it just in enough time when I take the express lane instead of the local lane. I now need to drive 10 minutes in the wrong direction to turn around. I frantically call the salon and make sure I can still come. A woman with a thick Russian accent tells me its fine as long as I can get there no more than 15 minutes after the appointment time. I put the pedal to the pedal and get there just in time. It is a very nice salon and I’m already feeling silly in my Christmas get up, frazzled about being late. On top of this I’m also pretty sure I have more skin blemishes than their average client.
A woman leads me upstairs, takes my jacket and asks me if I’ve ever had a facial before. I nervously tell her I have once but it was a long time ago and it was in Canada. She tells me she will step out of the room and I should take off all my clothes including my pants and bra but keep my underwear on. She continues that I should wrap myself in a towel provided then lay under the heated blanket.
Wait… what? Am I on an episode of FRIENDS or Seinfield? Why do I need my pants off for a facial? Did I accidentally book a massage too? I hope not as I do NOT have time for a massage. I don’t ask questions and do as I am told. I try to relax under the warm blankets in my mostly nude state.
The facial is actually fabulous and includes a hand massage and putting my hands in these warm mittens. Ah-ha! That must be what the pants off thing is about: I’m getting a foot massage. The foot massage never happens but I am able relax more than I have in a long time (minus when they scrape my blackheads). The facial is over, I put my clothes back on, tip the Esthetician and leave for cookie making still wondering why my pants were ever off.
I get to my friend Shannon’s house.
Amy: You’ve had lots of facials right?
Shannon: I use to get about one a month.
Amy: Did you ever take your pants off?
Shannon: What? No!
Shannon’s mom: Did you ask why they wanted your pants off? That’s not a thing….
The next week at work….
Amy: Hey Alex, You’ve had lots of facials right?
Alex: Yes…. Why?
Amy: Did you ever have to take your pants off?
Alex: What? No!
ACT 4: The Ceremony
It is February of 2018 and I am in New Orleans to take part in a recognition ceremony. This ceremony is part of my profession’s biggest yearly meeting; I am among 20,000 of my peers. I have already talked to a few friends and former co-workers and keep learning more people I know are in attendance. It is like a physical therapy reunion.
The recognition ceremony is quite large and they make us do a rehearsal and take pictures so the real event can go as fast as possible. At the rehearsal I make friends with women around me as one works with a former student of mine and one use to work with a current colleague of mine. We are getting to know each other and I confess to the women I have previously had problems with getting my dress stuck in my underwear. We all get a good laugh and they agree to give me a once over before I walk across stage.
After rehearsal I grab a couple drinks with friends and we come back for the actual event. I go to the bathroom, touch up my makeup and walk out to the hall. On my way I see someone I went to grad school with and a former professor; I have a few minutes so decide I should go say hi. I walk up and hug my former classmate. She looks at me very seriously.
Classmate: I’m going to go ahead and fix this for you
She then proceeds to pull my dress out of the FRONT OF MY UNDERWEAR. Once again I feel my face go warm and I giggle nervously and thank her.
Professor: That’s a good friend helping you with your wardrobe! Hi, I’m Bill!!
Me: Yeah, I know. I graduated University of Wisconsin class of 2008, Amy Phipps
Professor: Oh, ha 2008 was a LONG time ago……
We awkwardly make conversations then he excuses himself to find a seat.
Me: Oh my god!!!! How did I do that? That was so embarrassing!!
Classmate: Its OK, I just thought it was a weird cut of a dress at first.
Me: I can’t believe Dr. Bill didn’t remember me!!!!
Classmate: It’s probably because you look a lot different now. You look a lot better.
ACT 5: The Hike
It is March of 2018 and I am getting back to my car after a 5 mile hike. It was a great hike but I am covered in mud. I am thinking what I want to do with the rest of my Sunday as the next weekend day I have free isn’t for a couple months. I decide I should check out a brewery I’ve never been to and grab a quick bite. I don’t really care if I look like a mess but I can’t go into a brewery with muddy boots and muddy pants. I look around my car and find my running shoes and a pair of running pants, perfect.
I look around and there isn’t a park bathroom or a Port-o- Potty to be found. It is also early spring so there aren’t a lot of leaves on trees. It is a gorgeous day and there are several cars parked at the trail head, but no one around currently. I can do this I decide, just have to be quick.
I sit in my backseat on the driver’s side. I take off my shoes and socks and place them outside next to the car. I close the door and take off my pants. I have just gotten them off my ankles when a car pulls in next to me on the passenger side. I think quick and pull a small knapsack onto my lap and look forward, pretending like I’m waiting for my driver. The car next to me pulls away and parks somewhere else…….
Sorry if you were looking for sex stories and ended up just getting five random stories about me being a hot mess.